Couple counselling

Author Name:Dr Devyani Katti

Date: 02-Dec-2016

One day during afternoon a couple came to meet me. It was lunch break of their office. Both working together in the same office from last 5 years & got married 3 years before. They have a sweet baby boy of age 1.5 years. They were having lots of differences and thought that they are not compatible to each other, but due to their son they have to adjust with each other. Both were dissatisfied with each other’s behaviours, attitude, views and they lost the happiness in their lives. Also, they have started evaluating and comparing the behaviour of each other, before & after marriage.

“She can’t manage the home & the kid… she is a total mess & an irritable personality.. I have to fix the home every day after coming back from office … she keeps the things anywhere and are not kept at appropriate place, .. Like tea cup in the bedroom or hair comb in kitchen. I am really fed up with this mismanagement as she doesn’t have any discipline…”

 

“ I am a very systematic & disciplined person. I was leaving alone before marriage but you will not believe I used to keep my flat clean & cook for myself. It was not like other bachelor’s flat & like flats where boys live together ..

 

I thought that after marriage things will be better but it didn’t happen. My friends says that your flat was much better when you were single. It hurts me a lot. My wife doesn’t like to keep things on proper place & then her most of the time get wasted in searching them. So she is not able to reach to office or anywhere as per schedule. She is not able to make good relations with my relatives & even with my mom…” and so on.

The husband had many complaints about wife. I listened to it very carefully & assuring him that this all information will be kept confidential & will not be shared with anyone without his permission. Then it was wife’s turn.

She was a emotional lady & started crying by saying that “ she made a mistake by marrying with such a practical person. My husband is a perfectionist, he speaks very less & want to be disciplined every time. He stopped loving me now. He can’t understand my feelings & emotions. What he needs is only the clean & tidy home. If it is so, he feels comfortable otherwise he gets disturbed & angry. We have a small baby at home & he is supposed to play all the time, his toys will be there on the floor & I am managing all these things together. So even if he helped me, what’s the big deal ? He ignores the fact that this home, kid & office are the major aspects to deal with & he has to help me in it & after all home should be home where we can relax, feel the comfort. He can’t even sit at home before he fix it. I am scared of this & I become irritable, I throw the things with anger and scold my son which is really unfair with him.”

Listening to both of them empathetically I planned to work on building healthy relationship between them. When couple visits the counsellor in the early stage of conflict it becomes easier to change the habits, but if they live together for years having the conflict then it might be difficult to change the habits for each other. First of all “the will” of living together is important. I explained both of them about how to understand each other’s personalities and indirectly their high expectations from each other were leading them to disharmony. I  suggested many techniques to them to improve their relations by very small & minute changes in their daily life, like saying good morning to each other, giving smile whenever they meet each other, warm welcome at home, talking about their son’s activities & enjoying the parenthood which is the most important part of life. Explained them about happy parenting & tips were given for dealing with their son. Also, counselled to fill up the gap between them as both belongs to different cultures.

After completing the sessions they understood each other’s personalities & the uniqueness of it. By adopting small steps they decided to enjoy the journey of life.